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He felt he had to punish himself in painful ways to really deserve her forgiveness. He showed up at my mother’s apartment one day with a gun in his hand. My mother and all her seven children were there. Everyone gasped. According to Ma, he said absurdities like, ‘I know I did you wrong. And I know I don’t deserve you, which is why I’m going to kill myself right now.’ He aimed the gun to his head. Astonished, the children cried and begged him not to do it. Ma, however, was uncharacteristically. ‘You know you didn’t have to dress up. It’s just a casual meeting.’ She was referring to the tan sundress I’d worn for church, the one I didn’t get to change out of because of Lae’s insistence that I meet at her apartment ASAP. ‘I didn’t dress up, we just came from church and we didn’t bring a change of clothes.’ I replied. I was careful not to sound agitated, even though I was. I looked over at Laela who smiled at my restraint. ‘I don’t have a baby-sitter, is it okay for MJ to come?’ ‘I don’t. I had to see Matt so I suggested they both come down and meet me and one of my girlfriend at the bar. This would help Art get his mind off his divorce and my girlfriend could distract him while I focused on Matt. Plans were set and I could not wait for the day to arrive. On the day of our meeting my girlfriend bailed on me due to family issues. Not sure what to do, I decided to just roll with it and meet both the guys and see where it went. I was hoping if I could get Matt to see how hot I. No lofty bit of unsolicited life-wisdom from priest or parent -- no quote from any alleged classic work of literature, poetry or prose had ever rung more true. He had never belonged. Not on the football field, nor the frathouse. Certainly not in the business-school. Not even at home. But here, between Gina's supple, athletic legs, on his knees in the Alpha common room, ready to be used like a good piggy, he felt... centered -- wanted. There really was no other way to articulate it, he belonged.
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